Tanajo

Buried deep in all the joys of motherhood one dark truth exists; we as women, as mothers, will always wonder if we did our job well enough. We wonder from the moment the baby was placed on our body from the womb, how will I ever do this well enough? Is that diaper too tight? Is he hungry? I just fed him, not enough; too much? I wanted to read to my babies every night, tuck them in and kiss their damp brows sending them off to dream about the mommy that loves them. But I didn’t read to them every night and when I did, I more often than not, was the one that would slip off to dream. Did I do my job well? A million of examples of perceived failures in motherhood can ruin a good day. So today I will sit and recognize this truth.

I woke this morning and my boys are grown men, they are still my children, but babies no more. They have flaws and insecurities. But they both have grand senses of humor, they can love, and they are good men. They are honest and know the importance of true friendship. They are men that others want to be around, including me. So with all my perceived failings I guess I did my job well. As mothers there is no other way to approach looking back on a lifetime of motherhood. What a mother imparts to her child is more than the feeding and the clothing, more than the band aid to wound, more than the final adjustment to the tux on prom night. It’s innate, it’s only who we are, it’s the best of who we are and we don’t have to look into the mirror to see that. We simply look into our children’s eyes.

i was told i was child-like. what a gift, what a compliment!!! what a blessing to have that small trait of my soul, recognized and acknowledged as good and joyful. if you listen to people, they will tell you who they are.

i'm so ready for the snow to go away! and since i'm a snowflake girl, that is saying alot. but on saturday Kodiak got another 7 or 8 inches of snow. it really was pretty though. i managed a short walk in the woods, i would have stayed out longer but I wasn't really dressed to go tromping through the woods, it was an impromptu turn of events. but to have my feet break the freshly fallen snow gave me such joy. to lift my arms, close my eyes and brace my body against the powerful winds raging up off the beach was both calming and exhilarating. it was prayer, overwhelming and purposeful.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive God to be; and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I spent a bit of time today just driving around Kodiak, just driving around and looking. Appreciating, enjoying. I stopped at the beach at Mill Bay and snapped a few photos. I wanted to share them. The bay was calm but had movement. No big waves just the ebbing of the tide keeping the sea in motion. Forever moving forward undaunted by the black sand beach it met blocking its path. I looked out and realized I had a story for that beach. I looked to the west and knew I had a story for the bluff and the house that sat at its edge. I drove around town and stopped at mission beach. I knew I had a story about that beach. I laughed at how many potholes were in the road! I dodged them with the best giggling at every driver trying to barrel down that road. I waved at Tom walking his dog, I chuckled to see Father Innocence trekking through the snow, full robe and regalia, sporting his XtraTuf boots. I had a story about the church he care takes. I realized I had a story about Kodiak, I had a story about my life. I can’t imagine living somewhere and not being deeply and personally connected to everything and everyone I see every day. We all have a story, mine is Kodiak and so much more

good morning everyone! Happy Easter! this is what we woke up to this morning. it is simply stunning this morning, cold and clearing after yesterday's blizzard. i'm never surprised by an Easter snow only stunned by its beauty. the trees are frozen still life portraits, the color of the sky is blue gray. the clouds that are left in the sky flow like the skirts of a silken ball gown. the air is heavy and quiet this day, every step in the neighborhood can be heard. when a bird picks its limb to land on, huge clumps of snow thud to the ground in protest. perhaps mother nature is being quiet today so we may hear the shouts

I’m bound and determined to get a posting done this week! So I’ve passed up the knitting and the couch, the evening news and the local paper. If I don’t get to it right now, the whole evening will be lost and another day will go by with a word from me. I heard from my donor search coordinator last week; no news. He is actively pursuing a donor that may have one of my mismatches but once again this donor seems to be eluding us! I’m sending out all my good detective vibes into the universe, praying that this person be found, if nothing else but just to rule him out as a potential donor. We lost an unknown one last year and it still drives me nuts to think that he may have been the one, but we’ll never know. But since my health is still holding, I look at this time as something to enjoy and not waste. Of course the other issue for the search coordinator is he must be fiscally prudent with the limited insurance benefits that I currently have. Every donor search and typing costs money and means more we’ll have to come up with out of pocket when we get to transplant. It’s always presented like this, “Given you’re limited insurance benefits, do you want us to continue to search?” HELLO!!!!! That would be a big fat YES!!!!! Money is just money and I know, I know in my heart that when the time comes, the money will be there. We’re taking all the right steps now to prepare ourselves and what we can’t manage will be provided for us. That’s called faith; blind, unconditional and complete.

I thought I’d share a few of my angels on my Dad’s side of the family. I had a great email from cousin Dyann and it brought to mind these photos. Top photo is the Anderson side, my father's father's parents. The photo on the bottom is Engeborg and Gunder Greseth my father's mother's parents.

I wonder if when I was younger I didn’t properly notice my angels or if they are just appearing to me now? Not big triumphant angels with wings sent from the heavens above, not shadows in the corners, no nightly visitations. No harps or music. I mean earth bound angels, the ones that appear in my life JUST when I need them the most! The angels that play my favorite song on the radio just as the first tear wells in my eye. The ones that call or email the day I’ve been thinking of them, just to let me know that they feel the connection too, that I’m not alone. Angels help me step out and support me in all my adventures. When I don’t think I’m strong enough, angels lift me up. When I don’t think I’m brave enough, my angels remind me that I’m an Alaskan girl that rides a Harley! I don’t fear sad or scary days so much because I know that angels watch over me both from above and here on earth. (you know who you are!!!!)

We got another six inches of snow yesterday! For Kodiak it is normal to get more snow this time of the year than before the winter holidays. We will be hunting Easter eggs in snow again this year! Easter is early this year! Do you know why? Easter is always the first Sunday after the first full moon after the first day of spring! Easter trivial for you from me!